Trapped dirt

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 18:42:58 GMT

Shit.

You flake.

You flaky, flaky, flaky, flaky, woman.

If I am anymore flaky I'll be a puff. Chicken Puff.

Well.

chemistry

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 17:36:56 GMT

you can't fake it.

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 17:25:41 GMT

moving to blogger.

www.eggcrushing.blogspot.com

centralise everything la.

anyway, LJ is too irritating to upkeep.

for purposes of organising my organiser

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 17:59:13 GMT

I have so many things going on this week i think i might go nuts.

i have to cover indochine tmr and sunday afternoon, and before i go on sunday i have to give tuition.

i have 7 mass comm core subjects which will kill me with their projects. i think i'll drop some and just grad late. afterall i broke my leg and skipped a sem; you can't fault me for being a retard.

i dont even have a hall room because i screwed up, the admin screwed up, and i have to travel home. home is on jupiter.

i might have gigs that go 3 nights a week regularly. which i'm not sure i want. which will make me accumulate bad karma if i screw up the agent. but then again he didn't even ask me if i wanted to be managed, he just did it...by his own accord. like called me up one day saying, you want paid gigs? wtf.

(side note: sudden mysterious whining/weird accent speech at the moment, which made me think some china intruder is in my house. but then i looked out, and realised its my sister trying to sing about. to rammstein. or dimmu borgir. or whatever. i can't even spell his name, heck.)

i just dissed a band made up of 40 year old men who have executive day jobs tonight. blew them off. yipee.

i ate macdonalds just now, which is so not helping.

i have to meet the girls for breakfast tmr before i go for practice with the guitarist i've never played with before. i need to tell him to stop singing because he can't, but i can't find a nice way to say it. shut up? er. please stop trying to ruin the song? your harmony is way off? i think you should just play guitar?

anyway, its weird. (omg weird singing again. in unintelligible language. like, yee gor taa dee maa, see gorr taa dee loo tee daa. i kid you not.)

if i get the 3 nights a week gig, its good for the money, which i kinda need. well everyone can do with more money.

but then what about school?! arrghh. and what about my recording. i'm never going to accomplish anything at this rate.

lemme sort out my thoughts.

i want money because:

1. i want to travel
2. i want to go for summer school overseas in july 08
3. i want to go for drumming lessons
4. i want to learn theory
5. i want to record/release my frigging music
6. i don't think my parents will pay the extra for my hostel room upgrade, if i can get it

okay, fair enough. but if i have a regular gig in a shit hotel (location of which i won't reveal cos its too damn embarrassing. hotel lounge singers. ick.), i can't travel, can i? plus my knee surgery is due this december. ack! ouch.

i dream of my perfect band. who are not old men, who can play music, who don't feel the need to make me feel like a chick. who can play what i mean by "La La la, doom bah da boom, chh chh chhh chink," etc. who doesn't mind the fact that i can't tell you how to voice the chord that i want you to play, but that i can tell you i don't want this simple one you're using right now.

hahaha.

i also need to settle the programme for my internship at panasonic. freak.

next monday, meeting at career adviser's center, then rehearsal with stento bassist, tuesday school gig, wednesday school gig, thursday also, friday nothing! besides normal classes. thank god. ARGH.

i miss my holidays already.

come on body, 'm so busy, surely i must get skinnier.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:42:00 GMT

I'm quite weird.

And shifty.

And I'm just not a very good person, all in all.

insomniac

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 18:16:52 GMT

I can't sleep.

I have class at 8.30 am. Which means I probably have to wake up at 5am, wash up and all, leave at 6am, to catch the train all the way to BoonbloodyLay, which means I'll reach school at 8.30am. Two hours on the fucking trains, half an hour on the bus.

....

Fuck.

I can't sleep because I'm damn fucking pissed off.

My boyfriend is a fucking useless dick. Seriously. Why is it that my friends can see it so clearly and I can't?!?! Why do I always get suckered into it over and over again? Is it because I really think there's nobody else who can take my shit? But that onyl makes him my doormat, isn't it, and I'm so damn tired of it. I don't even know why we got together. All I remembered when we held hands was that, maybe I should stop waiting around for some smartypants, literate, sensitive, intelligent guy, and just try things out with a nice boy. Look how shitty it turned out.

First off, he's not intellectual at all, so I can't talk to him about ANYTHING, let alone my, say, interest in blackholes. (Right.) I can't even talk to him about things i really care about, without wanting to blow my face off with a shot gun because the conversations go like this.

"What do you tihnk of local bands?"

"They suck la."

"Have you heard any? Which ones suck?"

"No, I haven't but you know that time I was in LA with my friends and we went to this jazz pub and it was amazing blahblahstaticnoisestatic..."

Wow, where did his logic jump from local bands to talking about his amazing school life.

Secondly, he's not even here 80% of the time. He claims that he gives up his overseas internships to come back and visit me, but what the hell does that mean? He doesn't even spend enough time with me while he's here and he claims that he cares. And he blows up when I introduced him as my friend to some random acquiantance. WTF? So he's not around singapore, and I'm not allowed to see other people?! Its not my fault thast

Thirdly, he's filthy rich but he's sooo stingy! What the hell is his problem. Its not like he can't afford it. I mean, if his allowance isn't enough, he should just ask his mom to give him more because she will gladly say yes! This is a woman who offered to buy him a BMW (just because he was turning 21) but he actually said no to her. #$%^%$&^%*&$%#$@#$!

Like the rest of us who have to give tuition and work odd jobs to like, buy stuff we want. And the stuff we want are like, what, some amp, some shirt, or some knick knack below a few hundred bucks. He can buy $200 flipflops and trod ard on 1k gucci slippers, and claim he's broke! ("Cos my mom pays for me, blah blah blah), and then when we go for dinner, i have to shell out everything myself for my share. unless its like. prata. or some shit. which is like $1.20. If his mom pays for everything he buys, then he only spends money on food, which makes me wonder, are you really telling me you're BROKE?!?! Am I stupid, or am I stupid?!?!?!

"Oh I really try to give you the best." The best is on your feet while you're stepping on them, I'm wearing fucking Bata, ok?!

Fine, maybe I'm just childish and materialistic. But this is really too much. I mean, if I was with a poor but intellectual, artistic, passionate, soulful person, I really don't mind going on cheap dates and never receiving any gifts from them. But what other redeeming quality do you see in this nimrod?! Other than the fact that he's danm persistent and refuses to go away. He's a retard. Socially, intellectually, as well as... I don't even know such retards existed. ARGH!

I don't think normal guys like to camp outside girls' houses. He's psycho that way.

He also behaves like a huge blockhead when he's around my friends. And when I'm with his friends I have to be so nice and friendly to them. What the hell!? Basically he has no social skills whatsoever, he can't even understand half my jokes, or puns, or whatever the helll it is i say, and he thinks he's going to be damn successful in future. And you know what, he's actually right.

Simply because of his family background.

I hate his guts. I hate his guts so much.

But my guitar is still with him, and I really want to get it back before I blow his brains out.

Sample conversation:

"Don't you think that too much planning in life makes you kinda boring?"

"No. I know I'll be damn successful in the future."

HUH?!

or,

"Don't you think the singapore government is too paternalistic?"
.
.
.
.

"Yah."

.....or, try this two possibility-answer question.

"What do you think of this movie?"

Ans 1:"Okay lah. *blinkblink. pause.* What do you want to eat?"

Ans 2:"I fell asleep."

Yah, you were probably asleep while I looked into your eyes too. All I ever saw was blankness.

That's just what you are

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 16:00:18 GMT

I looked through my list of people on msn and I realised they are all interesting because they are all something else other than students:

1. Musicians
2. Photographers
3. 1 personal trainer
4. Website designers
5. Graphic designers
6. 1 Triathlete
7. 3 models
8. 4 marathoners

But these are people who are still not really sure what they wanna do in life. Those people who know clearly what they want to do, ie

1. Banking
2. Business
3. Finance
4. Law

All don't do anything else except travel, study and enjoy life. Hmmmm.

Also, studies have found that kids from richer family background are more self-assured and confident, and this reflects how they set goals for themselves in life.

What does this mean to you?

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 17:38:12 GMT

I shall bring you all local music. There is no dearth of talent in Singapore, seriously.

Syltra Lee, every Friday at Singapore Art Cafe, which is in the Esplanade Library.

she can also soul out!

Baybeats 2007, just a few hours ago! Here's my recording:

Stentorian, which I think has huge potential:

A rare ballad from the usually funky band:

Here's one from Stentorian but in another gig:

I'll post more later. I only recorded a little bit of Caracal and Stentorian. You guys should go to baybeats too! Its free. And its proof in the pudding, so you can stop dissing local bands before you know anything. By local bands I mean bands that write.

A gig at last!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 17:45:56 GMT

The drought is broken. Got gig at Indochine standing in for the singer in the afternoon. This sunday, 3.30pm. Two sets, acoustic. Yay!

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 14:31:17 GMT

I think I don't love him.

Not even a little bit.

But if you know me, you know you can't trust what I think. Because I can spin rational justifications before you can say Psychobitch.

Its funny how the whole dating thing has turned into a game of grand investment. Who has more bankable value, who has more genetic defects. Who has more earning power, starting pay, interesting hobbies, confidence, unflappable happiness. Whatever happened to falling in love with flaws. Will someone please fall in love with my flaws.

My personal will read:

Lazy, obsessive, hedonistic, intellectually hyper-active, unable-to-stay-focused-on-things-for-too-long-but-noitsnotADD. I like music, literature, and good food. But I keep a very quick rotational on these three. Its like juggling lovers. Try not to get too involved or you die.

And also, I love to just sit and read. Which makes me kinda like Garfield. I also like alcohol and the buzz it gives me a little bit too much for my good health. I am 6 feet tall and I like hot men. But I look absofuckinglutely NOT like Eva Longoria, or Jessica Alba, or any of the women who might sizzle when you drop water on them. I also have Miserable Malalignment syndrome, which means I have flat feet, inward pointing kneecaps, and hence a structural instability. Think of it as inbuilt dominoes. Its just waiting to happen.

And I think the ad space is limited, so that's all kids.

I'm Fucked.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 19:34:36 GMT

oh fuck. oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.

Fuck.

you emo shit.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 17:49:09 GMT

oh man, she totally couldn't hit the high notes...what the...

and i loved the song so much, damn it.

----

Why am I in a band where half of them are old, stable, with kids, married, and totally just...without a vein of angst in their bodies.

They should be depressed; that'd make their playing fantastic. HA. Ha.

I need to hang out with young people.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:48:13 GMT

Damn it. I am so jealous of Tegan and Sarah. They're twins and they write songs together. I wish I had someone I was totally comfortable with to work on music. And then after that, trade sarcasm together over cookies.

In other news, I am so frustrated with my writing. I have things in my head, that just don't come out right because I don't have the skills to complete it. Its just a painter with a picture in his head, but bad paintbrush technique.

Audition on Tuesday for Timbre!

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 07:03:51 GMT

As an acoustic solo.

I think bands jinx me.

Blogging

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 17:50:25 GMT

I don't even know if I should blog anymore.

There are places where the sun don't shine, and they need to remain that way.

The way I write is way too honest.

I don't camwhore, so my blog isn't very interesting anyway.

Well, updates:

I am quitting my band.

I am having a kickass sore throat of MyAss proportion.

I am trying to listen to Miles Davis, nothing makes sense, he's supposed to be genius, but it just sounds like SHITE to me. You shouldn't have to study music for 20 years just to listen to a piece of 'freestyling' music. I doubt anyone FEELS anything listening to him. At least I can FEEL Rachmaninov, Mahler, Brahmns, or Chopin. Seriously. He's crap. For crappy pretentious shits. I hate him. He's like the guy who raises his hand too often in class just to show off his answers, with a huge chip off his shoulder that he's hiding under his peacocking. Piles Daisy.

Okay enough ranting.

The Staring

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 14:29:59 GMT

Go to class. Sit down. Almost start to fall asleep. Late-comer, sits down next to me. He asks me random question about project groups which are already on edventure. (Doh.) I notice he is quite fit. I can't see his face because he is next to me!

Then later I realise he is pretty cute.

The next few classes:

He looks at me, I look back. Sometimes I start looking first. Sometimes he twists around to look at the clock at the back of the LT, suspiciously scanning the room and then holding my gaze. Sometimes I refuse to pay attention to his attention just to see whose attention we are keeping. Its all very subtle. (sarcasm, anyone?)

Repeat for 4 weeks.

Start smiling at each other.

He makes a move and sits down next to you.

You start talking to each other.

He doesn't really look that cute from this distance anymore.

Then he asks, "Do you need a lift anywhere?"

"Er..if its alright with you, you could drop me at BoonLay I guess."

"Sure."

So then in the car we talk and all. He listens to chinese songs on his ipod which he puts through the system. And as he scrolls down its all chinese songs. He asks for my msn as we arrive at Outram Park station.

We talk online. I almost fall asleep.

Last lesson, last chance.

He was waiting at the corridor upstairs outside the Lt. I was walking to class down stairs, and he flashes the cutest smile at me. Not bad. I start smiling.

We walk to class together and sat together. (How very 18th century chinese novel. those from my mom's time. with the chinese painting on the cover and the bamboo and water in the background. Where cousins fall in love and the girl faints when the guys so much as sits next to her without a chaperone.)

After class I asked him out for dinner. We had a short one since I had to go for my other appointment, and he has something on too.

And then he goes "Oh my current girlfriend is like..."

So I just went. "Ah I see."

End of dinner, he wraps up with "I'll talk to you online or something yeah. Catch up later!"

And no, he doesn't have my phone number, neither do I have his.

Who says women are weird?

Where

Sun, 27 May 2007 14:51:04 GMT

Where have all the good men gone?

I can't stand my classmates. Adding me on msn, by looking for me on NTUemail directory.
Then other boring engineering guys start adding me too.

Its like a BORE party.

Yawn.

People with no language skills, restrain from flirting.

Stick to the non-verbal communication. Thanks.

Alcohol and bone loss!

Sat, 05 May 2007 05:21:30 GMT

"Alcohol consumption changes the composition of this matrix by suppressing the formation of osteoblasts and/or decreasing their ability to respond to signals that normally trigger bone formation after a fracture." - Random google scientific journal.

SO

apparently I've been drinking last Wednesday, this past Wednesday and yesterday, which was Friday.

This morning I woke up feeling kinda sick. Like I wanted to puke.

I think I should really stay away from drinking these days.

Anyways, clubbing kinda sucks now.

St James is full of cheena, out-of-shape bengs, MOS on friday was almost the same, but with flashier bengs. And ugly girls. Of course you know what Dbl O is about. Brown interiors, everywhere you look.

So we went to Zouk, and sure enough, beautiful people everywhere. Or at least they looked better after comparing with the rest.

But as you know, Phuture is crowded, and insanely hot.

And the cute guys disappeared by 1.30am.

Haha.

All signs point toward one thing:

I SHOULD STOP CLUBBING.

Boyfriends

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 16:28:14 GMT

Is it right that some guy just waltzes in and tries to "steal" you?

Can you be stolen if you don't want to be?

Is everyone always looking out for a better catch?

If you can get a plasma tv, why stick to a lousy lcd right?

So does this apply to the guys too?

Why are guys more loyal than girls, from what I see?

Why am I asking so many stupid questions?

Why did he buy me a coffee machine, WHEN I'M NOT A FREAKING HOUSE WIFE?

I should just get him a lawn mower next year.

Before I leave the building

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 21:02:40 GMT

I would like to be able to put my hands on the piano and play a ten-minute long, heart-breaking sonata, and then collapse and pass out.

Theme songs

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 15:34:40 GMT

We all know innately, even if you vehemently deny it outwardly, that life is filled with half-broken things,

like love, which will never be in perfect symmetry;

like dreams, which will make us question ourselves even if we do or do not achieve them; because if we do, we will wonder about the other life, and if we do not, we wonder about the other life still even though you say you are happy;

like people, who we think we understand as friends but never really truly do because language fails us most of the time and perfect understanding is impossible, and so any little semblance of empathy morphs into passion;

like love, which is always hoped to complete, to alter, to inspire, to arrive;

like love, once again, which is always half-broken because you only fall in love when you're young and imagine so much for yourself, only to be let down,

by nothing

but life itself.

*Go read some Rilke.

Pissed, fucking pissed

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 19:24:52 GMT

Ok, not like I'm not already insecure enough, or paranoid enough.

But just because I'm in university and I bothered to give myself a plan B and didn't land myself in N level, and then go to Australia to major in music, just BECAUSE I have an alternative comfortable live, doesn't mean I can't try to make myself better right??

Maybe I really suck, and maybe people hate my stuff my singing or my guitaring or whatever the fuck, but like, I didn't even have any fucking piano lessons when I was younger? My parents couldn't afford it, you got a problem with that?

IF YOU GUYS THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKINGSUCKDICKLY GOOD, THEN GO AND GET A GIG SOMEWHERE EVERYDAY AND STOP CRITICIZING ME LAH! FUCKERS.

Go play in Wala's everyday instead of wanking in your room, humping air guitar.

FUCK YOU. and YOU.

Yah fine, I suck. You're better, okay. Now, you can go back to humping your Japanese fender your daddy bought for you.

My Friends

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 08:03:46 GMT

First off, as you know, I'm broke this month. But I promise you the goodies are coming in January. Think about it. Xmas, everything is all...christmasy. You'll get nicer things after christmas. I promise. =D

I am just kinda thankful for people who actually give a damn about "my feelings" and allow me to whine once in a while. Though I whine way less than in JC now.

Yes this is me counting my blessings, you got a problem with that?

Everything's going pretty good actually. Novelia is coming to Singapore in Jan, my friends are coming over for a like post-xmas thingy.

Surrounded with good company. Its a very very good feeling.

12 days

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 07:48:24 GMT

At his age, he probably has had more sex partners than me and everyone I know combined (with the exception of a certain Ahem who would up the averages). Which makes him a liar.

Shiny, shiny pants and bleached-blond hair
A double kick drum by the river in the summer
She fell in love with the drummer
Another then another
She fell in love

-Wilco. YHF.

Is it right to run away as soon as you feel something? Advice has been diverse.

"Its better to be miserable alone than to be dumped-miserable."

"You'll end up dumped with an STD to boot."

The girls advice have been more..lenient.

In any case, a player is a player. And I recognise them just by the twitch of my nose. How can anyone fall in love in 12 days. But it was fun while it lasted.

Ironic. The guy before was too passive; this one is too pro-active. Before the guys start going, FUCK, what the hell do girls want, I think we have absolutely no idea. Yes we suck so bad as women.

Revisiting The BargePole

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:55:40 GMT

Since its too rainy and crowded to go out anyway...

The Bargepole whom I blogged about disappeared for two weeks. I thought he disappeared into Wussy-Asswipe-Land, the place where all men go after they lose interest in you, but are too afraid to tell you personally about. No sms, no calls, no msn. Nothing.

It was alright with me. I mean, I totally lost interest in him anyways. Trust me on this, girls are not interested in guys with no balls. I mean that literally and figuratively, of course.

Nugget of secret girl-wisdom that my girlfriends would kill me for if I reveal them but you KNOW I'm going to reveal anyways: If you like a girl, its better to be a man about it. Even if you get rejected, she will think, wow a guy who actually knows what he wants! And that is cool. Really. Cos we girls are indecisive enough. So we can't be with guys who can't even decide what he wants to eat for dinner. Knowing what you want is very sexy. ;)

In any case, to continue with the story.

This BargePole, who refused to touch me on any of our dates, even after multiple hints and flirting (by then I figured he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. my chips were slowly decreasing.), called me after a week of silence, and met me at my place.

He tried to tell me he likes me. Note: Tried to

In which he failed miserably. He couldn't even spit the words, "I really like you." None of the variations og these words were heard that night either.

I told him, "If you don't like a girl enough to tell her you like her, or even call her to ask her out, you're not the guy for me."

He's missed the train. I put it out there, and he didn't take it up. The time has passed, and there is nothing left but awkwardness. You don't disappear for a week or two if you really like a girl. You actually call her and talk to her and meet her more because you miss her. Wow! That is an amazing fact! A revelation! Britannica! Come! Get it down in your encyclopedia! You actually try to make more contact with said-person-you-like! WOW. Amazing.

Anyway.

I thought he had tears in his eyes at the end of the whole discussion. Though really, he was choking on his words most of the time. Not really having an engaged conversation.

-----

Mama was right.

Love is not a game for the faint-hearted. Step up, or step out.

Farewell, Mr. BargePole. We had a good run while it was...running.

Yeah, and I always thought girls were hard to figure out. Truly. The male of the species is a sight to behold...with slight nausea sometimes.