Trapped · dirt

i have to cover indochine tmr and sunday afternoon, and before i go on sunday i have to give tuition.

i have 7 mass comm core subjects which will kill me with their projects. i think i'll drop some and just grad late. afterall i broke my leg and skipped a sem; you can't fault me for being a retard.

i dont even have a hall room because i screwed up, the admin screwed up, and i have to travel home. home is on jupiter.

i might have gigs that go 3 nights a week regularly. which i'm not sure i want. which will make me accumulate bad karma if i screw up the agent. but then again he didn't even ask me if i wanted to be managed, he just did it...by his own accord. like called me up one day saying, you want paid gigs? wtf.

(side note: sudden mysterious whining/weird accent speech at the moment, which made me think some china intruder is in my house. but then i looked out, and realised its my sister trying to sing about. to rammstein. or dimmu borgir. or whatever. i can't even spell his name, heck.)

i just dissed a band made up of 40 year old men who have executive day jobs tonight. blew them off. yipee.

i ate macdonalds just now, which is so not helping.

i have to meet the girls for breakfast tmr before i go for practice with the guitarist i've never played with before. i need to tell him to stop singing because he can't, but i can't find a nice way to say it. shut up? er. please stop trying to ruin the song? your harmony is way off? i think you should just play guitar?

anyway, its weird. (omg weird singing again. in unintelligible language. like, yee gor taa dee maa, see gorr taa dee loo tee daa. i kid you not.)

if i get the 3 nights a week gig, its good for the money, which i kinda need. well everyone can do with more money.

but then what about school?! arrghh. and what about my recording. i'm never going to accomplish anything at this rate.

lemme sort out my thoughts.

i want money because:

1. i want to travel
2. i want to go for summer school overseas in july 08
3. i want to go for drumming lessons
4. i want to learn theory
5. i want to record/release my frigging music
6. i don't think my parents will pay the extra for my hostel room upgrade, if i can get it

okay, fair enough. but if i have a regular gig in a shit hotel (location of which i won't reveal cos its too damn embarrassing. hotel lounge singers. ick.), i can't travel, can i? plus my knee surgery is due this december. ack! ouch.

i dream of my perfect band. who are not old men, who can play music, who don't feel the need to make me feel like a chick. who can play what i mean by "La La la, doom bah da boom, chh chh chhh chink," etc. who doesn't mind the fact that i can't tell you how to voice the chord that i want you to play, but that i can tell you i don't want this simple one you're using right now.

hahaha.

i also need to settle the programme for my internship at panasonic. freak.

next monday, meeting at career adviser's center, then rehearsal with stento bassist, tuesday school gig, wednesday school gig, thursday also, friday nothing! besides normal classes. thank god. ARGH.

i miss my holidays already.

come on body, 'm so busy, surely i must get skinnier.

I have class at 8.30 am. Which means I probably have to wake up at 5am, wash up and all, leave at 6am, to catch the train all the way to BoonbloodyLay, which means I'll reach school at 8.30am. Two hours on the fucking trains, half an hour on the bus.

....

Fuck.

I can't sleep because I'm damn fucking pissed off.

My boyfriend is a fucking useless dick. Seriously. Why is it that my friends can see it so clearly and I can't?!?! Why do I always get suckered into it over and over again? Is it because I really think there's nobody else who can take my shit? But that onyl makes him my doormat, isn't it, and I'm so damn tired of it. I don't even know why we got together. All I remembered when we held hands was that, maybe I should stop waiting around for some smartypants, literate, sensitive, intelligent guy, and just try things out with a nice boy. Look how shitty it turned out.

First off, he's not intellectual at all, so I can't talk to him about ANYTHING, let alone my, say, interest in blackholes. (Right.) I can't even talk to him about things i really care about, without wanting to blow my face off with a shot gun because the conversations go like this.

"What do you tihnk of local bands?"

"They suck la."

"Have you heard any? Which ones suck?"

"No, I haven't but you know that time I was in LA with my friends and we went to this jazz pub and it was amazing blahblahstaticnoisestatic..."

Wow, where did his logic jump from local bands to talking about his amazing school life.

Secondly, he's not even here 80% of the time. He claims that he gives up his overseas internships to come back and visit me, but what the hell does that mean? He doesn't even spend enough time with me while he's here and he claims that he cares. And he blows up when I introduced him as my friend to some random acquiantance. WTF? So he's not around singapore, and I'm not allowed to see other people?! Its not my fault thast

Thirdly, he's filthy rich but he's sooo stingy! What the hell is his problem. Its not like he can't afford it. I mean, if his allowance isn't enough, he should just ask his mom to give him more because she will gladly say yes! This is a woman who offered to buy him a BMW (just because he was turning 21) but he actually said no to her. #$%^%$&^%*&$%#$@#$!

Like the rest of us who have to give tuition and work odd jobs to like, buy stuff we want. And the stuff we want are like, what, some amp, some shirt, or some knick knack below a few hundred bucks. He can buy $200 flipflops and trod ard on 1k gucci slippers, and claim he's broke! ("Cos my mom pays for me, blah blah blah), and then when we go for dinner, i have to shell out everything myself for my share. unless its like. prata. or some shit. which is like $1.20. If his mom pays for everything he buys, then he only spends money on food, which makes me wonder, are you really telling me you're BROKE?!?! Am I stupid, or am I stupid?!?!?!

"Oh I really try to give you the best." The best is on your feet while you're stepping on them, I'm wearing fucking Bata, ok?!

Fine, maybe I'm just childish and materialistic. But this is really too much. I mean, if I was with a poor but intellectual, artistic, passionate, soulful person, I really don't mind going on cheap dates and never receiving any gifts from them. But what other redeeming quality do you see in this nimrod?! Other than the fact that he's danm persistent and refuses to go away. He's a retard. Socially, intellectually, as well as... I don't even know such retards existed. ARGH!

I don't think normal guys like to camp outside girls' houses. He's psycho that way.

He also behaves like a huge blockhead when he's around my friends. And when I'm with his friends I have to be so nice and friendly to them. What the hell!? Basically he has no social skills whatsoever, he can't even understand half my jokes, or puns, or whatever the helll it is i say, and he thinks he's going to be damn successful in future. And you know what, he's actually right.

Simply because of his family background.

I hate his guts. I hate his guts so much.

But my guitar is still with him, and I really want to get it back before I blow his brains out.

Sample conversation:

"Don't you think that too much planning in life makes you kinda boring?"

"No. I know I'll be damn successful in the future."

HUH?!

or,

"Don't you think the singapore government is too paternalistic?"
.
.
.
.

"Yah."

.....or, try this two possibility-answer question.

"What do you think of this movie?"

Ans 1:"Okay lah. *blinkblink. pause.* What do you want to eat?"

Ans 2:"I fell asleep."

Yah, you were probably asleep while I looked into your eyes too. All I ever saw was blankness.

1. Musicians
2. Photographers
3. 1 personal trainer
4. Website designers
5. Graphic designers
6. 1 Triathlete
7. 3 models
8. 4 marathoners

But these are people who are still not really sure what they wanna do in life. Those people who know clearly what they want to do, ie

1. Banking
2. Business
3. Finance
4. Law

All don't do anything else except travel, study and enjoy life. Hmmmm.

Also, studies have found that kids from richer family background are more self-assured and confident, and this reflects how they set goals for themselves in life.

What does this mean to you?

There are places where the sun don't shine, and they need to remain that way.

The way I write is way too honest.

I don't camwhore, so my blog isn't very interesting anyway.

Well, updates:

I am quitting my band.

I am having a kickass sore throat of MyAss proportion.

I am trying to listen to Miles Davis, nothing makes sense, he's supposed to be genius, but it just sounds like SHITE to me. You shouldn't have to study music for 20 years just to listen to a piece of 'freestyling' music. I doubt anyone FEELS anything listening to him. At least I can FEEL Rachmaninov, Mahler, Brahmns, or Chopin. Seriously. He's crap. For crappy pretentious shits. I hate him. He's like the guy who raises his hand too often in class just to show off his answers, with a huge chip off his shoulder that he's hiding under his peacocking. Piles Daisy.

Okay enough ranting.

Then later I realise he is pretty cute.

The next few classes:

He looks at me, I look back. Sometimes I start looking first. Sometimes he twists around to look at the clock at the back of the LT, suspiciously scanning the room and then holding my gaze. Sometimes I refuse to pay attention to his attention just to see whose attention we are keeping. Its all very subtle. (sarcasm, anyone?)

Repeat for 4 weeks.

Start smiling at each other.

He makes a move and sits down next to you.

You start talking to each other.

He doesn't really look that cute from this distance anymore.

Then he asks, "Do you need a lift anywhere?"

"Er..if its alright with you, you could drop me at BoonLay I guess."

"Sure."

So then in the car we talk and all. He listens to chinese songs on his ipod which he puts through the system. And as he scrolls down its all chinese songs. He asks for my msn as we arrive at Outram Park station.

We talk online. I almost fall asleep.

Last lesson, last chance.

He was waiting at the corridor upstairs outside the Lt. I was walking to class down stairs, and he flashes the cutest smile at me. Not bad. I start smiling.

We walk to class together and sat together. (How very 18th century chinese novel. those from my mom's time. with the chinese painting on the cover and the bamboo and water in the background. Where cousins fall in love and the girl faints when the guys so much as sits next to her without a chaperone.)

After class I asked him out for dinner. We had a short one since I had to go for my other appointment, and he has something on too.

And then he goes "Oh my current girlfriend is like..."

So I just went. "Ah I see."

End of dinner, he wraps up with "I'll talk to you online or something yeah. Catch up later!"

And no, he doesn't have my phone number, neither do I have his.

Who says women are weird?

SO

apparently I've been drinking last Wednesday, this past Wednesday and yesterday, which was Friday.

This morning I woke up feeling kinda sick. Like I wanted to puke.

I think I should really stay away from drinking these days.

Anyways, clubbing kinda sucks now.

St James is full of cheena, out-of-shape bengs, MOS on friday was almost the same, but with flashier bengs. And ugly girls. Of course you know what Dbl O is about. Brown interiors, everywhere you look.

So we went to Zouk, and sure enough, beautiful people everywhere. Or at least they looked better after comparing with the rest.

But as you know, Phuture is crowded, and insanely hot.

And the cute guys disappeared by 1.30am.

Haha.

All signs point toward one thing:

I SHOULD STOP CLUBBING.

Can you be stolen if you don't want to be?

Is everyone always looking out for a better catch?

If you can get a plasma tv, why stick to a lousy lcd right?

So does this apply to the guys too?

Why are guys more loyal than girls, from what I see?

Why am I asking so many stupid questions?

Why did he buy me a coffee machine, WHEN I'M NOT A FREAKING HOUSE WIFE?

I should just get him a lawn mower next year.